THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says; Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted.
thx L
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, September 11, 2009
Gotta Love Drunk People
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers..
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?"
asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Thanks Pete
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers..
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?"
asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Thanks Pete
Friday, July 10, 2009
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The hair cut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve
Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve
Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
we were married, or wish we weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade.'
we were married, or wish we weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade.'
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
Horrific Scene
I almost cried when I saw this picture.
It shows the importance of being properly strapped in.
A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Holland.
The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you.
If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you
realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.
My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth to
mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived.
It shows the importance of being properly strapped in.
A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Holland.
The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you.
If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you
realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.
My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth to
mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Jewelry (joke)
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when
I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f---in' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
lol, word
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when
I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f---in' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
lol, word
Saturday, March 10, 2007
They Walk among us
I walked into a Subway with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work retail.
===================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk among us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
===================
AND........ they reproduce!
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work retail.
===================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk among us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
===================
AND........ they reproduce!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
7. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
(because if they all went, it would be Hell.)
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
7. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
(because if they all went, it would be Hell.)
Friday, February 16, 2007
Dr.'s Visit
A Doctor in Nova Scotia wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of ou r patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, George, How was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"And what did you do George?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, George, How was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"And what did you do George?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
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